HORRORSCOPES

Aquarius   The anger planet Mars is roaming the skies all around you. A bit like the flies and nats around your dinner plate and sweaty feet!  Do not ruin great week ahead by letting your temper get the better of you.
  Just poke them in the eye and run.

Pisces   Pluto is bearing down on all Aries this week and the less you struggle the better you will survive. A career transformation is very possible this week, maybe you should go for that beach cleaning job after all!

Aries   Aries is gonna kick some ass this week with Pluto bearing down on them.
 Pluto is just full of gas and wind, a little bit like some of the folks here I suppose! I say blow it out your ear matey!  

Taurus  The skies are focusing on your sex zone this week, you should be so soddin lucky! I cannot focus on the TV without my specs, if your sex life has been less than thrilling; pamper yourself with a bag of figs!

Gemini  Your cool, committed and comical ways, have you at the top of the party list. You only give the best to the best in your eyes, who deserves your attention is very limited this week. Only the best will do for you!
  

Cancer  Singles could feel extra inspired by life this week, so get out there and have some fun! See how long you can hold your breath when kissing a garlic odor, sweaty mouth. I would rather kiss a donkey thank you!

Leo Try not to mix money and friends this week if you can. They are only friends when you flash your cash. Keep it in your pocket and your so called friends are off like a rocket!!

Virgo Virgos are blessed with the ability to see what is a good idea and what can lead to a drama. If something feels wrong then steer clear. A boat trip for 10 lira, a G&T for 5 lira, a handsome Turk with no baggage!! Get real chuck!  

Libra  Having the moon in your life this week could cause you problems, leaving you cold and pale just like the planet itself. Any sign of sickness should be seen to immediately, especially in the morning as after that time you will be back on the pop. Have you ever connected the two!?

Scorpio  Bragging is the quickest way to land yourself in trouble, especially about sex or money. Two very good reasons why not to brag! One is you have no money and the other is you’re getting no sex! Try Dolphin Square after ten at night that should help you through!

Sagittarius  If you do not love yourself who will? It is a harsh life when you share your bed and dinner table with your pooch. I know he is loving and you love him, but he cannot scrub your back in the bath now can he!?

Capricorn You must start to live for today and stop putting your life on hold for the handsome prince to pop along on his gee gee. Get out there and meet new people, you know you are worth it. Act like you own Woolworths, but watch out for the wolves in flip flops!!!  
  

Well my little fan club that is it for this week. Keep on trucking, yes trucking I said, and be with you next week. Adios amigos.
I am the one and only I C Rockall.

Tickets for my latest movie are on sale at a box office near you. Only £75 a ticket with free ice cream and a Cadbury flake.